Dear Editor,
Sorry to offend the up-country cousins but I feel I am compelled to send a letter to the visitors from predominantly Gauteng with a few from Mpumulanga thrown in for balance and good measure.
I live on the KZN coast in a relatively small town - a quiet place. That doesn't mean however that I have straw coming out of my ears. Like many of the visiting influx (so they say), I too am a professionally qualified person. I choose however to live where I do.
On each holiday occasion, more so over the year end festive season, we brace ourselves for the invasive batch of ill-mannered, uncouth loud mouths who, for reasons best known to them, insist on leaving whatever scant culture and manners the other side of the Van Reenen's border.
This year end in particular, I have found the visitors to be exceptionally rude, arrogant and generally a total pain in the behind. Serious attitude problems in the shops, extremely discourteous to the shop assistants and business folk of our small abode (no problem at all with using the "F" word at women), 4x4s dumped across two parking demarcations, parking in disabled/elderly zones and when asked to move, a tirade of spoilt brat abuse.
Thanks to one of these magnificent specimens of what makes RSA really proud, a GP caravanning expert succeeded in getting our local mechanic to (voluntarily) stay shut for the entire Christmas/New Year period. The trusty and willing mechanic turned out on Boxing Day to help some "poor and stranded" GP character at the caravan park, spent the next seven hours sorting out the car problem and then when presenting his bill for his efforts, was told that he was an opportunistic little KZN wanker, the bill being tossed into the rubbish bin. This resulted in the guy closing his workshop to all as he couldn't be bothered with being abused.
A few years ago when I was a GP visitor, I thought the KZN coastal residents were being particularly obtuse in their treatment of up-country visitors. Now I know why and I now share the sentiment.
So, GPs and others from up country, if you came to the coast, please endeavour to leave your filthy manners and bad attitudes at home - they are not welcome here.
Carry on the way you do and don't be surprised or hurt when the locals tell you in turn at the end of your holiday "don't come back until at least another 360 days have gone by". Your space is much rather preferred to your car/family/wallet and yourself.
Nguruve
Dear Nguruve,
I hear you. We’re rude, arrogant assholes. And yet, your hovel and all the shitholes where we choose to spend our holidays – and let’s be honest – our cash (which you all prefer to us anyway) are happy to rip us off for dirty accommodation, lousy food and pathetic service.
For one month of the year, the sloths living in your town and others like it, rouse themselves just enough (not enough to provide fast, friendly service, mind!) to become a rabble of thieves, charging exorbitant sums for second-rate gruel and run down slums. You justify your fiscal rape by citing ‘the view’ or some such piffle. As if ‘the view’ leant a hand cooking the meals in your filthy diners! It takes more than that view – pristine though it may be – to distract from your oily gloop and outrageous pricing.
For one month of the year, you rob us blind, thinking we’re stupid enough not to notice. You give us shit service, thinking that like human sheep, we’ll accept it.
For one month of the year we ask you to play host to us – we’ve no problem paying, what’s fair is fair. For one month we ask you not to stagger around stoned, drunk and smelling like the gutter, and slap a smile on your face to show even a slight amount of sincere gratitude for the revenue we generate that, because of your thieving manner of pricing, you’ll be able to live off for the next 11 months.
Well, just as you’ve had enough of us – it’s plain to see that my fellow Gautengers have had enough of you “opportunistic little KZN (and Eastern and Western Cape) wankers” – and that’s why, ol’ buddy-chum that your dingy piscine graveyard suffers the abuse it does.
Of course, you know which side your bread is buttered – otherwise your shunning of our wallets – sorry – of us – would be life-long. But who’s going to pay for your dope and porn mags after 360 days, if we don’t?
I hear you. We’re rude arrogant assholes, and this year, we’ll be staying home – good food at good prices with good service – MAN! What a nice change! As for you and your bumpkin neighbours, don’t come begging – it’s just what we’d expect from opportunistic little KZN wankers!
Your UpCountry Cousin (though I don't recall any of my uncles shagging your mother!)
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