Jozi, ZA Tuesday 11 August 2009 brought me to my third Dougras Gleen Which Way Trade Show, an annual event I've not missed since being prodigalled back to ZA from Betty II's playground.
Summer Place hosted the event for the second year running and so with intrepid work mates unaware of the trepidity awaiting them, we descended on the scene like haughty vultures with ideas above our station. We were forced to sample wines, champagnes and that revolting rosé nonsense given credence by being produced by a champagne house, Whatsisname Rosé (no need to plug something you're not going to buy anyway, given it's proximity to the millenary price range.
Young Eddie Simes was a last-minute addition but has scored himself a first-rate invite to next year's event by his social disgraces on display that night. They are numerous and contemptible, and the very best of them was his insistence on making notes in the little black books provided for just that very reason by the hosts. I am close to certain Eddie was the only one making notes, and the winemakers and spiritualists* will need their bibulous produce once they read Mr. Simes' thoughts, to whit:
Graham Beck Rosé Brut:- Dry,...horribly sour, miff nose
(at this point Mr. Simes interjected commentary about one of the vini-rep's appeal, but in case the good woman is reading this, we'll leave THAT one out!)
Tall Horse:- CRAP - Not worth tasting
Laurent Perrier Rosé Brut:- again, nose of an old hobo's sock, tasted better than tequila, soda water and piss...but not much.
Buitenverwachting:- Hell noses, was chalky with a hint of berries and shite.
Hemel-en-Aarde Valley:- Pinote noir (SIC) - Meh, very citrus could be cut with pesticides. After taste like sweaty ass of baboon - R400 a bottle.
Paul Sauer:- Light, smooth pale taste, good shit! *On reflection, think it was a mistake, need a takez.**
Dragon's Lair:- Miff nose, smells like fish, ok taste, smooth, chalky as usual.
St. George's:- Miff nose, smells like fish, realise it's my right fucking hand***
Fair Madeira:- Lovely, smooth, should be uber dry and stale with the blend in it.
(another reference to the lass mentioned earlier is made)
Tullibardine:- Still good for a pale single malt, R2-k still steep. This only R500. Feeling my ears are hot, i.e. I could shag a fat chick a.t.m.
Laphroaig:- Quarter cast (SIC) Noooo - Medicine! Smokey, burnt cast (SIC) Fuck me NO, hospital in a bottle.
Laphroaig:- 10 year: Lighter, still medicine single malted MEH.
Jim Beam:- Tastes like watered-down hillbilly piss and shit, But the 8 year old is...un-fucking-believably better than the 17 year old single malts and a kick in the crotch anbd/ or donkey punch.
Maker's Mark:- I'm not sure at this point 10-20 - fuck nose (SIC) how many whiskey, malt, cognac, vodka, tequila...what's the point. It was shite worse the the (SIC) pete (sp?) single malts. Gross I want a bucket.
Glengoyne:- Miff - pete is a cunt.
Grey Goose Vodka:- Wow - faier (SIC) piss in a glass...heaven!
Courvoisier:- Rapper crap. No matter the price tag, you have no talent and drink crap.
Sauza Tequila:- It's Tequila wtf else can it taste like? It was smooth...sewer water frorm (SIC) Satan's arse.
*as in the makers of spirits, not medium-sized hoaxeurs, wot!
** I have no idea what he means, either!
*** we'd sampled some of the smoked salmon and nibbly bits and clearly some of the
insalubrious salmon rubbed off on Eddie's hands!
(c) Dave Luis & Eddie Simes 2009. All Rights Reserved.
2 comments:
Classic!! LMAO!
God that was an hilarious read. Bwahahaha!
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