John & The Manny, Sitting In The Tree...

That picture of John Travolta kissing his children’s male nanny just won’t go away. Every time I open a respectable publication like the National Enquirer, Heat or Now it leaps out at me, John and manny-with-no-name locked in what seems to be a salutationery (I don’t care if that’s not a real word – if Shakespeare could invent his own words, so can I!) embrace, lips puckered for an admittedly meaningful greeting…

The world and the their dog are now claiming that Ms. Travolta is a closet homosexual and are baying for his wardrobe-outage. National Enquirer asks if Johnette is living a lie and “celebrity” blogger Perez Hilton reckons that where there’s smoke, there’s fire, adding that ‘mo rumours have stalked Johnelle for years. The church is even in on the act, with family-values organisation Options’ Pastor Robert Westman preaching that ‘mo-ness is more widely accepted now but deceit isn’t (is that why all these church-bound Catholic pederasts are being made public in the US?) and Canadian ‘mo activists Face Out’s Norman Marshall says the pic has raised a few eyebrows. Yes, well, particularly if those eyebrows are in the pants of the fags scanning said pic, because let’s face it – it’s every fag’s dream to have a hottie like Johnina as a team member.

While Hollywood is notorious for intimidating queer actors into keeping their closet doors locked, there have been many infamous sausage-hiders among their ranks, outed only when past their sell-by date or dead. Rock Hudson. James Dean. Rupert Everett. Danny Pintauro. Er…and more. But that doesn’t mean that every man actor in the ‘Wood is no good, and as a Fine Upstanding Fag myself, I am a little annoyed at my band of limp-wristed ‘mo-brothers for clamouring that every new hot male star is one of us, and that when some meaty celeb stares at another meaty celeb just a little too long, a little too intently, it’s a sign of fabulousness. Lots of things cause those deep, intense stares. Mary Jane. Cocaine. A lobotomy. A particularly cumbersome bowel movement…

Every time Ethan or Brad or Bruce gets a bit tipsy or luv’d-up and leans on a mate for balance or to tell him just how good those pills really were, Johnny Journo delivers the “exclusive scoop” that Vin or Russel or Eric was seen in a secret ‘mo tryst, and the gay world erupts in claims of “knew it all along” and “I slept with him once, you know!” and the name-n-shamed actor is doomed to spend the rest of his career, if not life, giving extremely firm handshakes and crushing Bud cans against his forehead.

Come on guys – they’re not ALL queer! Not ALL good looking actors are gay! Not all good looking non-celeb men are gay! Some of the very best sex I have had has been with straight men. Can we not share the love without the whole world labelling them as mincing-machines? Just because a man kisses you and sticks his tongue down your throat does not him a gay make! So leave Johnissa and his manny alone. So what if they swap a little spit now and then? Who cares if they shag each other rotten every night – they’re both married, so obviously they’re both straight, right? Right…?

© Dave Luis 2006