Dongola Ranch: My Home of Healing

While I battle the demons within, and the addiction, this is where I am staying. The script you hear is a collaborative effort between myself and the folk at ATC.

Move!

2011 was a disaster on many fronts, please find me on my new blog (one of many) at http://healingdaveluis.blogspot.com/

(c) Dave Luis 2012. All Rights Reserved.

And.....Scene Start!

It's 2011, and it's time to commt myself. To blogging, at the very least if not anything alse!


I'm here, it's now, and you'll have more to read, later, as and when.

Comment Troll, May You Live In Interesting Times!

Some rice queen is spamming this blog with their Whore-iental effluent, so I've turned off the comments (I think - who knows if the settiings will actually take place?)

To the pus-bucket who visits regularly with their spam: MAY YOU LIVE IN INTERESTING TIMES!

"Cul-de-Sac Living Is The Way To Go!"

So here I am: 35, unmarried - or - pathologicaly single (I'm not so sure it's my choice anymore). I crave the young, new, dynamic, fresh, innovation ; I'm not ready to settle down, get hitched, have kids, conform and grow up.

I've been trying to reconcile all these things as I try find a new home for my corporate family, and then a friend says, simply: "Cul-de-Sac living is the way to go" and I realise...here and now...I've arrived.

And somewhere along the way, my life's flight has been rerouted from 'Fabulous' to ' Normal' and my luggage was sold to pay for the trip.

All I've got is my baggage.

(c) Dave Luis 2010. All Rights Reserved.

What Path Have You Taken?

Intriguing. Trivial. Sentimental. Check out this link: What Happened in My Birth Year?

Dear Gautengers...

This was posted on News24, by Blogger Nguruve- how could I NOT respond?

Original article - CLICK HERE

Dear Editor,

Sorry to offend the up-country cousins but I feel I am compelled to send a letter to the visitors from predominantly Gauteng with a few from Mpumulanga thrown in for balance and good measure.

I live on the KZN coast in a relatively small town - a quiet place. That doesn't mean however that I have straw coming out of my ears. Like many of the visiting influx (so they say), I too am a professionally qualified person. I choose however to live where I do.

On each holiday occasion, more so over the year end festive season, we brace ourselves for the invasive batch of ill-mannered, uncouth loud mouths who, for reasons best known to them, insist on leaving whatever scant culture and manners the other side of the Van Reenen's border.

This year end in particular, I have found the visitors to be exceptionally rude, arrogant and generally a total pain in the behind. Serious attitude problems in the shops, extremely discourteous to the shop assistants and business folk of our small abode (no problem at all with using the "F" word at women), 4x4s dumped across two parking demarcations, parking in disabled/elderly zones and when asked to move, a tirade of spoilt brat abuse.

Thanks to one of these magnificent specimens of what makes RSA really proud, a GP caravanning expert succeeded in getting our local mechanic to (voluntarily) stay shut for the entire Christmas/New Year period. The trusty and willing mechanic turned out on Boxing Day to help some "poor and stranded" GP character at the caravan park, spent the next seven hours sorting out the car problem and then when presenting his bill for his efforts, was told that he was an opportunistic little KZN wanker, the bill being tossed into the rubbish bin. This resulted in the guy closing his workshop to all as he couldn't be bothered with being abused.

A few years ago when I was a GP visitor, I thought the KZN coastal residents were being particularly obtuse in their treatment of up-country visitors. Now I know why and I now share the sentiment.

So, GPs and others from up country, if you came to the coast, please endeavour to leave your filthy manners and bad attitudes at home - they are not welcome here.

Carry on the way you do and don't be surprised or hurt when the locals tell you in turn at the end of your holiday "don't come back until at least another 360 days have gone by". Your space is much rather preferred to your car/family/wallet and yourself.

Nguruve

Dear Nguruve,

I hear you. We’re rude, arrogant assholes. And yet, your hovel and all the shitholes where we choose to spend our holidays – and let’s be honest – our cash (which you all prefer to us anyway) are happy to rip us off for dirty accommodation, lousy food and pathetic service.

For one month of the year, the sloths living in your town and others like it, rouse themselves just enough (not enough to provide fast, friendly service, mind!) to become a rabble of thieves, charging exorbitant sums for second-rate gruel and run down slums. You justify your fiscal rape by citing ‘the view’ or some such piffle. As if ‘the view’ leant a hand cooking the meals in your filthy diners! It takes more than that view – pristine though it may be – to distract from your oily gloop and outrageous pricing.

For one month of the year, you rob us blind, thinking we’re stupid enough not to notice. You give us shit service, thinking that like human sheep, we’ll accept it.

For one month of the year we ask you to play host to us – we’ve no problem paying, what’s fair is fair. For one month we ask you not to stagger around stoned, drunk and smelling like the gutter, and slap a smile on your face to show even a slight amount of sincere gratitude for the revenue we generate that, because of your thieving manner of pricing, you’ll be able to live off for the next 11 months.

Well, just as you’ve had enough of us – it’s plain to see that my fellow Gautengers have had enough of you “opportunistic little KZN (and Eastern and Western Cape) wankers” – and that’s why, ol’ buddy-chum that your dingy piscine graveyard suffers the abuse it does.

Of course, you know which side your bread is buttered – otherwise your shunning of our wallets – sorry – of us – would be life-long. But who’s going to pay for your dope and porn mags after 360 days, if we don’t?

I hear you. We’re rude arrogant assholes, and this year, we’ll be staying home – good food at good prices with good service – MAN! What a nice change! As for you and your bumpkin neighbours, don’t come begging – it’s just what we’d expect from opportunistic little KZN wankers!

Your UpCountry Cousin (though I don't recall any of my uncles shagging your mother!)

(c) 2010. All Rights Reserved.

Dave-enitions Goes Visual!

I created 'Dave-enitions & Dongles' following a night of heavy medication for some procedure or other. Years back, Don and I used to wrangle word meanings while we explored our own personal infatuations that we were subject to at the time. We still do. Wrangle words, that is.

On the night in question, a side effect of the medication was to set the vocabular part of my brain running at a trillion linguistic tangents at once, and I thought the medley, obscure though it might be to lesser-worded beings, needed publication.

Now a chance thought had me create visual pieces, which I understand will be a boon to the masses who can't quite take in information if there are more than two sentences, and no explanatory diagrams depicting what they have read.

Have I given in to dumbing-down my works for the lowest common denominator? Not as such, I argue - I am just catering for a wider market by offering a better fit to their capabilities.

Check it out at http://daveenitions.blogspot.com/

(c) Dave Luis 2009. All Rights Reserved.

Pondering.

If John Simon Ritchie spelled his stage name differently, could his premature demise be headlined "Sid Viscous Comes To A Sticky End"?

(c) Dave Luis 2009. All Rights Reserved.

Moral Pricing

Hmmm... on the horns of a moral dilemma.... I oppose, in general, the Mugabes and their shenanigans, and I oppose specifically their homophobic tyranny. I know I SHOULD therefore boycott ALL Nestle products, as the company allegedly purchases tons of dairy directly from Grace(less) Mugabe's "legally" annexed dairy farms. BUT...can I live without Milky Bar and the like? I know deep down EVERYONE has their price and no one ACTUALLY wants to die for a moral standpoint, or principles of freedom (some just do out of sheer bloody mindedness) and therefore on a sliding scale I WILL get my Milky Bar WITHOUT setting off on a guilt trip WHILE STILL making a moral stand and therefore OPPOSING the homophobic tyranny that is Zimbabwe under the Mugabe's rule. I guess the price of my moral absolution is therefore a chocolate bar.

(c) Dave Luis 2009. All Rights Reserved.

Whine Testing: Wine Notes for Ordinary Mensch

Jozi, ZA Tuesday 11 August 2009 brought me to my third Dougras Gleen Which Way Trade Show, an annual event I've not missed since being prodigalled back to ZA from Betty II's playground.

Summer Place hosted the event for the second year running and so with intrepid work mates unaware of the trepidity awaiting them, we descended on the scene like haughty vultures with ideas above our station. We were forced to sample wines, champagnes and that revolting rosé nonsense given credence by being produced by a champagne house, Whatsisname Rosé (no need to plug something you're not going to buy anyway, given it's proximity to the millenary price range.

Young Eddie Simes was a last-minute addition but has scored himself a first-rate invite to next year's event by his social disgraces on display that night. They are numerous and contemptible, and the very best of them was his insistence on making notes in the little black books provided for just that very reason by the hosts. I am close to certain Eddie was the only one making notes, and the winemakers and spiritualists* will need their bibulous produce once they read Mr. Simes' thoughts, to whit:

Graham Beck Rosé Brut:- Dry,...horribly sour, miff nose

(at this point Mr. Simes interjected commentary about one of the vini-rep's appeal, but in case the good woman is reading this, we'll leave THAT one out!)

Tall Horse:- CRAP - Not worth tasting

Laurent Perrier Rosé Brut:- again, nose of an old hobo's sock, tasted better than tequila, soda water and piss...but not much.

Buitenverwachting:- Hell noses, was chalky with a hint of berries and shite.

Hemel-en-Aarde Valley:- Pinote noir (SIC) - Meh, very citrus could be cut with pesticides. After taste like sweaty ass of baboon - R400 a bottle.

Paul Sauer:- Light, smooth pale taste, good shit! *On reflection, think it was a mistake, need a takez.**

Dragon's Lair:- Miff nose, smells like fish, ok taste, smooth, chalky as usual.

St. George's:- Miff nose, smells like fish, realise it's my right fucking hand***

Fair Madeira:- Lovely, smooth, should be uber dry and stale with the blend in it.

(another reference to the lass mentioned earlier is made)

Tullibardine:- Still good for a pale single malt, R2-k still steep. This only R500. Feeling my ears are hot, i.e. I could shag a fat chick a.t.m.

Laphroaig:- Quarter cast (SIC) Noooo - Medicine! Smokey, burnt cast (SIC) Fuck me NO, hospital in a bottle.

Laphroaig:- 10 year: Lighter, still medicine single malted MEH.

Jim Beam:- Tastes like watered-down hillbilly piss and shit, But the 8 year old is...un-fucking-believably better than the 17 year old single malts and a kick in the crotch anbd/ or donkey punch.

Maker's Mark:- I'm not sure at this point 10-20 - fuck nose (SIC) how many whiskey, malt, cognac, vodka, tequila...what's the point. It was shite worse the the (SIC) pete (sp?) single malts. Gross I want a bucket.

Glengoyne:- Miff - pete is a cunt.

Grey Goose Vodka:- Wow - faier (SIC) piss in a glass...heaven!

Courvoisier:- Rapper crap. No matter the price tag, you have no talent and drink crap.

Sauza Tequila:- It's Tequila wtf else can it taste like? It was smooth...sewer water frorm (SIC) Satan's arse.

*as in the makers of spirits, not medium-sized hoaxeurs, wot!

** I have no idea what he means, either!

*** we'd sampled some of the smoked salmon and nibbly bits and clearly some of the

insalubrious salmon rubbed off on Eddie's hands!

(c) Dave Luis & Eddie Simes 2009. All Rights Reserved.

Simple Simon For The Modern Day

Simple Simon met a pieman going to the fair;
Said Simple Simon to the pieman "Is that organic food you’ve got there? "
Said the pieman to Simple Simon "Finest swine products, free range too"
Said Simple Simon to the pieman "Nay sir – you not heard of swine flu!?"

(c) Dave Luis 2009. All Rights Reserved.

Kiss This Guy

A vivid memory of some years back - sitting cogitant in the littlest room (a place where most of my deep thoughts occur*) reading an article about the buzz surrounding Jimi Hendrix's song, 'Purple Haze'. It seems that the line '' 'scuse me while I kiss the sky" was so garbled by Hendrix as he warbled frenetically through the song, that even his most ardent fans heard " 'scuse me while I kiss this guy". 

The article went on to say that a website listing a myriad of misheard lyrics was founded and named in honour of this most inauspicious fox puss, Kiss This Guy, dedicated to the millions of fans who happily sing the wrong words to their favourite tunes. 

Resplendent on my china throne, in my role as Deep Thought, I smiled, remembering my own lyrical blunder from my clubbing days: It was the mid-90s, I was fresh out the closet and partying up a storm at Steamers, a gay club in the seedy part of Pretoria. Loving the latest belter from The Cranberries, I would belt out the chorus, keeping time with Delores O'Riordan as she vented her vents. I loved that song. Still do. 

The lyrical mispront? Driving to 'Varsity with a mate, Gillyfish, and belting out what I thought Delores was singing, when all of a sardine, Gill turns off the radio, failing miserably to conceal his merriment at my misdemeanour, and asks:

  "What did you say?" I was confused, as most people are when they think they're merely humming to themselves, and discover all and sundry have been listening in - and asked what he meant. 

  "What did you sing along to that song?" he almost giggled.

Annoyed, I said simply that I had been singing the words of the song. He should know what I was singing.

  " 'Count on me!' Like the song says." I replied and at this point Gill's poor self-control broke and he burst into the most ridiculous guffaws I'd heard in a while.

  "It's 'ZOMBIE', idiot! Not 'Count on me!' " he laughed, tears rolling down his face making his driving more reckless than usual. 

  "It's NOT!" I said, crossly. How could it be 'Zombie' with all those syllables? He was wrong. I was sure of that much, at least. Gill pulled out a CD, shoved it into the Nissan's gaping CD player and hit play. The familiar strains he'd just killed on the radio rang out. We listened intently as Delores cried out to whoever would listen - a fag and a Jew at this point - and as the chorus began I knew Gill was right. It was unmistakeably 'Zombie!' that the inimitable Ms. O'Riordan was saying. 

This memory made me smile, as I've said, while I read the Kiss This Guy article. I hadn't smiled when Gill pointed out my gaff, though I should have - he saved me from more embarrassment, I am sure. 

But even though I'd been made aware of my untrustable ear, I was unable to stop it raping more lyrics in years to come. A most moving piece at the opening of Sander Kleinenberg's Tel Aviv set moved me. Moveably so. A young waif beseeches the listener to be released from her private hell, and listening to and loving the mournful tones, I was moved to repeat them in front of another mate, Don, who had even less control than did Gill, and mocked me endlessly. In that he still does, about that particular blunder. In fact there were TWO blunders in the opening lines of this piece, such was the way of my musical ear. 

What SHOULD have arrived in my brain, if not my soul, as:

"It's quiet now, and as I think my thoughts alone I try to keep my head strong but I think I'm too far gone...slowly sinking down. Down into the darkness - that the lack of will affords!"

My own version ran:

"It's quiet now, and as I think my thoughts along, I try to keep my head strong but I think I'm too far gone...slowly sinking down. Down into the darkness - at the back of Willa Ford's!"

Clearly I am HUGE fodder for a site like Kiss This Guy. My musical tastes mean that often I am listening to words sung by someone so high on drugs or so messed up by life, that sensibility is not among the highest of their priorities - it's all about which words feel right at that point in the track, I am sure. 

Take for example, Radiohead's Idioteque, featured on Paul Oakenfold's Perfecto Ibiza album. I only thought yesterday to check out the lyrics online, though I've owned this album for many years. I KNOW I have sung to this in my car, loudly, as I terrorise Gauteng's highway traffic. Thank all attendant deities that I've not had anyone in the car at the time of my dubious crooning - I always thought the lyrics were odd, but having read them online, they're odder than I could possibly have imagined. At first, I thought whoever had committed them to the web suffered the same tin ear I do, and had written down the nonsense they were hearing, and not what the artist was singing. But having read the lyrics as the track plays, it's quite clear they are what they are, and no mistake. 

No doubt you'd have to speak to whoever wrote Idioteque's lyrics so that they can explain how they jump from one thought to the next. I suspect very much that they will be unable to - these seem the disjointed gurglings of a serious acid-head on a serious acid trip. For your edification, I have copied them here, courtesy of Sing365.com. See what YOU make of them, written, never mind bawled through car speakers!

Who's in a bunker? 
Who's in a bunker?
Women and children first 
And the children first 
And the children 
I'll laugh until my head comes off 
I'll swallow till I burst 
Until I burst 
Until I 

Who's in a bunker?
Who's in a bunker?
I have seen too much 
You haven't seen enough 
You haven't seen it 
I'll laugh until my head comes off 
Women and children first 
And children first 
And children 

Here I'm allowed
Everything all of the time 
Here I'm allowed
Everything all of the time 

Ice age coming 
Ice age coming
Let me hear both sides 
Let me hear both sides 
Let me hear both 
Ice age coming
Ice age coming 
Throw them in the fire 
Throw them in the fire 
Throw them in the 

We're not scare mongering 
This is really happening 
Happening 
We're not scare mongering 
This is really happening 
Happening 
Mobiles quirking 
Mobiles chirping 
Take the money and run 
Take the money and run 
Take the money 

Here I'm allowed (background: and first and the children x6)
Everything all of the time 
Here I'm allowed
Everything all of the time

Here I'm allowed
Everything all of the time 
Here I'm allowed
Everything all of the time 

deaf and lost are the children (repeated)

*Giving rise to a new word as I penned this blog: bogitant - to have deep thoughts on the loo. Move over Shakespeare, I'm bearing new words at a rate!

(c) Dave Luis 2009. All Rights Reserved.

Earth Hour Movie - Narrated by Jeremy Piven

more about "Earth Hour Movie - Narrated by Jeremy...", posted with vodpod

Compelling. True?

Read an interesting (and beautifully wordy) blog recently that I simply MUST share! Written by Peter Kent, Unspeakable and Incommunicable is a blog for the cerebrants out there - it does not make for light reading at all - but if you're keen on some philosophical meanderings, check it out!

The entry on evil was most thought-provoking:  http://lostlaneend.blogspot.com/2009/02/evil-depthless-immitigable-and.html

To Breathe, Or Not To Breathe!

To breathe , or not to breathe: that is the question:

whether 'tis easier in the wind to suffer

the slings and arrows of outrageous asthma,

Or to take anti-histamines against a lungful of troubles,

And by opposing end them? To choke: to sleep;

No more; and by a sleep to say we end

The lung-ache and the thousand natural shocks

That flesh is heir to,'tis a consummation

Devoutly to be wish'd. To choke, to sleep;

To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;

For in that sleep with breath what dreams may come

When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,

Must give us pause to breathe: there's the respect

That makes calamity of so long life;

For who would bear the shortness of breath of time,

The lung compressor's wrong, the asthmatic's contumely,

The pangs of undrawn breath, nature's delay,

The insolence of exercise and the spurns

That patient merit of the unhealthy takes,

When he himself might his quietus make

With a ventolin pump? who would air-tents bear,

To grunt and sweat under a noisome cover,

But that the dread of something like no breath,

The undiscover'd country from whose bourn

No traveller returns, puzzles the will 

And makes us rather bear those breaths we have 

Than fly to others that we know not of?

Thus exercise does make cowards of us all;

And thus the native hue of respiration

Is sicklied o'er with the exhaled cast of thought,

And aspiration of great pith and moment 

With this regard their breathing turns awry,

And lose the name of action. - Soft  breathe you now!

The fair Ophelia! Nymph, in thy orisons

Be all my breaths remember'd.

with apologies to William Shakespeare - To be, or not to be (from Hamlet 3/1)

Selective Suspension of Disbelief

Thomas used to bemoan my inability to suspend my disbelief. He'd always give me a lecture on the enjoyment of a story being directly related to the reader / listener / watcher's power to involve themselves in the narrative - to believe that what they were seeing was real, irrespective of the obvious flaws in scene. 

I cannot accept that in films, for instance, a car that has just lost its headlights crashing into a bus turns a corner and the lights are miraculously whole again. Or that being shot with a tiny handgun rockets a body ten feet in the air. The laws of nature, causality and science are not to be ignored for budget or apathy. It ruins a film for me.  

If gravity cannot be overcome in reality, it should not be ignored in a film because it was easier to get the shot that way. But don't get me wrong - if the narrative provides a plausible explanation for why a character seems to float, fly or otherwise finagle the Universe's second most obvious force, then I dive into the story with gusto and accept the falsehood as fact without batting an eye.

Since Thomas attacked my constant pointing out of fallacies in any scene in a movie where they presented themselves to me, I have often wondered if I don't enjoy movies as much as the majority of the populous, who seem to be able to swallow these peculiarities with no more trouble than if proffered with the news that the sun would go down at sunset. 

But tonight I had an epiphany while watching James Cameron's 'The Abyss' - the epic submarine sci-fi (by the way - are you too not irked when someone says "sky-fi" instead of pronouncing it correctly as "sigh-fi"?)

In one of the opening scenes, the nuclear sub runs into an abyssal wall and immediately, one of the control consuls explodes in flame, and burns unabated for a significant period of time - indicative of a) a highly sensitive ignition source just beneath the keyboard, and b) a considerable amount of fuel to keep the fire burning. "What UTTER rubbish!" was my initial reaction, sparking as these things always do, a sharp reminder of Thomas' shrill invective against my intransigent imperative to stick to reality. The epiphany came as I suddenly realised that although I demanded truth from such arb things as submarine control consuls and hull thickness, I embraced the ocean floor-dwelling aliens as being as natural as anything. 

THAT, my friends, means not only do I have the capacity for willing suspension of disbelief, but because I can turn it off at will, and often do in the insistence of immutable fact, I am able to comprehend better the other-reality that the story-teller presents. 

It's Darwin at work here - the evolution of willing suspension of disbelief into something altogether more dynamic and powerful, engaging the imagination as a sixth sense, as tangible and visceral as the others: selective suspension of disbelief, such that it transports the viewer, the watcher from reality to Alternity and transposes his status of inactive passenger in the tale into active participant in a parallel multiverse where EVERYTHING is possible. 

I imagine that were I famous author, prolific public commentator or something of the sort, students of literature would in years to come review the film and analyse my thoughts here and pronounce that my selectivity in this case was made all the more possible by the aliens' fluid forms emulating existing deep ocean creatures, right down to their bio-lumenescent radiance. That is partially correct, but seen from the wrong side - that they seem so lifelike does not mean they slip under my reality-checking radar, but rather, right into it, and provide credible simulacrums in a given, defined environment. 

No, if there are any distractions to quest for authentic experience, it is that delicious chap who plays the baddie from the military, and who was also Ripley's sidekick in Aliens, Michael Biehn. But even he is not hot enough to sway the jubilation that not only was Thomas wrong, and horribly so, but also I am a canny witness to the modern day story-telling genre, the film. 

(c) Dave Luis 2009. All Rights Reserved. 

Long Words Etcetera!

ONE is a logophile - a lover of words. Unlike the Fairy Godmother (FGM) in that odd film of the late 70s, 'Twice Upon A Time', who hated excess verbiage, I revel in the protracted verbal foreplay that I find myself embroiled in at most points of my day.

That I make a living preferring words for consumption by those who are not gourmands, verbally speaking, as opposed to orally pontificating, is a delectable jewel in my day, as I can at last delight in the challenge of entrancing all in my daily communiqués while at the same time keeping the messgae clear, concise and, dare I say it....free from obscure pollysyllabic terrors!

This gives me a distinct pleasure in being able to toy with the bigger, more cumbersome phrases and words that that fine old dame, the English language, is keeping more and more to herself as the modern world's needs cast aside such gems as she has allowed The Bard and others to lovingly construct for their whimsy.

No, the modern world has no use for things like floccinaucinihilipilification, syzygy and others of it's ilk. I thought I would just display one or two of them here, so that in my own way, I am prolonging their ephemeral existence even for just an instant, and hopefully, spread their usage like fine gold dust over the minds of the lucky few who stumle upon my blog.

For your edification and your glee:

1. Honorificabilitudinitatibus [Hono-rifica-bili-tudi-nita-tibus] is a word used by Costard in act five, scene one of William Shakespeare's Love's Labour's Lost. It is (in the quotation) the ablative plural of the medieval Latin word honorificabilitudinitas, which can be translated as "the state of being able to achieve honours." Appearing only once in Shakespeare's works, it is a hapax legomenon.

The word has been used by adherents of the Baconian theory—who believe Shakespeare's plays were written by Francis Bacon—as an anagram for hi ludi, F. Baconis nati, tuiti orbi, Latin for "these plays, F. Bacon's offspring, are preserved for the world".

Parodying this, John Sladek demonstrated in the 1970s that the word could also be anagrammatized as I, B. Ionsonii, uurit [writ] a lift'd batch, thus "proving" that Shakespeare's works were written by Ben Jonson. (The two u's, rendered as v's in the original literation, are put together to form - literally - a w, as was common practice in Shakespeare's day.)

The word, however, was used long before Shakespeare used it in Love's Labour's Lost. Honorificabilitudo appears in a Latin charter of 1187, and occurs as honorificabilitudinitas in 1300. Dante cites honorificabilitudinitate as a typical example of a long word in De Vulgari Eloquentia II. vii. It also occurs in The Complaynt of Scotland, and in Marston's Dutch Courtezan (1605).

The earliest use listed in the Oxford English Dictionary is 1599, by Nashe: "Physitions deafen our eares with the Honorificabilitudinitatibus of their heauenly Panachaea, their soueraign Guiacum."

James Joyce also used this word in his mammoth novel Ulysses, during the Scylla and Charybdis episode when Stephen Dedalus articulates his interpretation of Hamlet.

The cartoon Pinky and the Brain also defined honorificabilitudinitatibus during the credits of the episode "Napoleon Braineparte", in their tradition of defining long, obscure words such as this one.

Similarly, it features in the "Guide to: Sick Days and Spelling Bees" episode of Ned's Declassified School Survival Guide.

Honorificabilitudinitatibus is the longest word in the English language featuring alternating consonants and vowels.

Quotation

• "O, they have lived long on the alms-basket of words.
  I marvel thy master hath not eaten thee for a word;
  for thou art not so long by the head as
  honorificabilitudinitatibus: thou art easier
  swallowed than a flap-dragon." - Costard, Love's Labour's Lost, Act V, Scene 1

2. Lopado­temakho­selakho­galeo­kranio­leipsano­drim­hypo­trimmato­silphio­karabo­melito­katakekhy­meno­kikhl­epi­kossypho­phatto­perister­alektryon­opto­kephallio­kigklo­peleio­lagōio­siraio­baphē­tragano­pterýgōn is a fictional dish mentioned in Aristophanes' comedy Assemblywomen.

It is a transliteration of the Ancient Greek word λοπαδο­τεμαχο­σελαχο­γαλεο­κρανιο­λειψανο­δριμ­υπο­τριμματο­σιλφιο­καραβο­μελιτο­κατακεχυ­μενο­κιχλ­επι­κοσσυφο­φαττο­περιστερ­αλεκτρυον­οπτο­κεφαλλιο­κιγκλο­πελειο­λαγῳο­σιραιο­βαφη­τραγανο­πτερύγων in the Greek alphabet (1169-74). Liddell and Scott translate this as "name of a dish compounded of all kinds of dainties, fish, flesh, fowl, and sauces."

The original Greek spelling had 171 characters (something which is not obvious in the Romantranscription, depending on the variant) and for centuries it was the longest word known.

3. Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis ( listen (help·info), also spelled -koniosis) is, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, "a factitious word alleged to mean 'a lung disease caused by the inhalation of very fine silica dust, causing inflammation in the lungs.' A condition meeting the word's definition is normally called silicosis.

It occurs chiefly as an instance of a very long word.^[1] The 45-letter word was coined to serve as the longestEnglish word and is the longest word ever to appear in an English language dictionary. It is listed in the current edition of several dictionaries.

4. Floccinaucinihilipilification ( listen (help·info) American English: listen (help·info)) (or variously floccipaucinihilipilification, as described in You English Words by John Moore) is "the act of describing something as worthless, or making something to be worthless by deprecation".

Origin

With 29 letters and 12 syllables, it is the longest non-technical word in the second edition of the Oxford English Dictionary (OED), which presents it as "enumerated in a well-known rule from the Eton Latin Grammar." The OED dates its first use in literature at 1741 in William Shenstone's Works in Prose and Verse: "I loved him for nothing so much as his flocci-nauci-nihili-pili-fication of money." In recent years, the word has been used in many scholarly articles in philosophy.

Though the OED gives no specifics on its derivation, the word is said to have been invented as an erudite joke by a student of Eton College, who, upon consulting a Latin textbook, found four ways of saying "don't care" and combined them:

• flocci facere (from floccus, -i a wisp or piece of wool)
• nauci facere (from naucum, -i a trifle)
• nihili facere (from nihilum, -i nothing; something valueless (lit. "not even a thread" from ni+hilum)) Example being: "nihilism"
• pili facere (from pilus, -i a hair; a bit or a whit; something small and insignificant)

Usage

It is often spelled with hyphens, and has even spawned the back formations floccinaucical (inconsiderable or trifling) and floccinaucity (the essence or quality of).

• Used to minute a decision by Comberton Parish Council (Cambridge, UK) See section 2.3 of Comberton PC Minutes where they had (eventually) decided that land they had just spent ~GBP60K on acquiring was, for the purposes of paying government tax, now of zero value since it was now 'public open space' and couldn't be developed.
• Matthew Bellamy in an interview (see here http://youtube.com/watch?v=ymZ7fFropEk&feature=related)
• Felipe Fernandez-Armesto uses it on page 59 of his book Amerigo: The Man Who Gave His Name to America as an example of his superior intelligence: "they added a dexterous piece of floccinaucinihilipilification."
• Episode 73 of Wife Swap (aired 2008-02-28) featured the word. After the "new" mother, Karen Sutton, complains about her host family using too many big words (such as "anonymous"), 16 year old Cassie Myers uses the word as an example of what she considered a "big word."
• Sometime in the late 1950s or early 1960s, the word was used on BBC Radio 4's (then the BBC Home Service) "Round the Horne." The cast were discussing the Flanders and Swann song, "Mud, Mud, Glorious Mud;" one member argued that any word could be substituted for 'mud', and Kenneth Horne tried out 'floccinaucinihilipilification'. It didn't work very well.
• In the 13th episode of Pinky and the Brain, the word with its definition was mixed in with the rest of the rolling credits.
• In an episode^[which?] of the children's TV show Beakman's World, floccinaucinihilipilification was noted as the longest non-technical word in the English language.
• In 2005, Paisley Grammar School's Sixth Year wrote, directed and starred in a play which was provisionally titled Floccinaucinihilipilification. It was renamed The Magical Land Of Ruby in November 2005, following the sacking of director Simon Taylor.
• Floccinaucinihilipilification is the title of the second of Irish composer David Flynn's Two Nonsense Songs and features the word sung alongside other long words such as antidisestablishmentarianism and Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis [1]
• The word was used twice in Rohinton Mistry's book, The Scream.
• This word was also used in Robert A. Heinlein's book Number of the Beast.
• Stephen Maturin uses it in Patrick O'Brian's book Master and Commander.
• Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal published a comic strip regarding the word [2].

5. Antidisestablishmentarianism (listen to British sample (info), American sample (info)) is a political position that originated in nineteenth-century Britain, where antidisestablishmentarians were opposed to proposals to remove the Church of England's status as the state church of England, forwarded principally by both Payne and Tuffin.

The movement succeeded in predominantly Anglican England, but failed overwhelmingly in Roman Catholic Ireland – where the Church of Ireland was disestablished in 1871 – and in Wales whose four Church of England dioceses were disestablished in 1920, subsequently becoming the Church in Wales. Antidisestablishmentarian members of the Free Church of Scotland delayed merger with the United Presbyterian Church of Scotland in a dispute about the position of the Church of Scotland.

The term has largely fallen into disuse; however, the issue itself is still current (see Act of Settlement 1701).

Word length

The word "antidisestablishmentarianism" itself is often referenced in English-speaking popular culture due to its unusual length of 28 letters and 12 syllables. It is commonly believed to be the longest word in the English language, excluding coined and technical terms not found in major dictionaries.

Longer words typically have been coined by specific authors in relatively modern times, or are obscure technical names. For example, floccinaucinihilipilification, first used in prose by William Shenstone in 1741, is 29 letters long, but was thought to have been coined as a nonsense word by a single person or small group of students at Eton. It is rumoured that this was intended to mean "to value something at nothing" or to describe a lack of value. Another word specifically coined to be the 'longest word in the English language' is Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious from the song of the same name in the film Mary Poppins. Chlorofluorocarbonation is also a word that is almost as long as antidisestablishmentarianism, meaning, "the act of putting chlorofluorocarbons into the air."

Recently, the 2007 edition of Guinness Book of World Records listed "pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis" as the longest word in the English language. The medical term is a lung disease, caused by the "inhalation of very fine silica dust from volcanoes." The disease may make it harder to breathe, and people with it need to be hooked up to a lung machine (an artificial lung). This too was a purposely coined word, with the explicit intent of being a long word.

6. Pseudopseudohypoparathyroidism (pseudoPHP) is an inherited disorder that is caused by a mutation in the G_αs gene imprinted on the paternal chromosome. As such, a haploinsufficiency results similar to pseudohypoparathyroidism 1A, which is caused by a similar defect on the corresponding maternal chromosome. However, unlike pseudohypoparathyroidism 1A, which presents with all the symptoms of hypoparathyroidism except the low parathyroid hormone levels, pseudopseudohypoparathyroidism presents only with the skeletal defects and none of the defects in calcium and phosphate homeostasis. ^[1] Patients generally have normal calcium and phosphate levels and normal parathyroid hormone levels. As such, it is sometimes considered a variant of Albright hereditary osteodystrophy.^[2]

7. Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious (pronounced /ˌsuːpɚˌkælɪˌfrædʒəlˌɪstɪkˌɛkspiːˌælɪˈdoʊʃəs/) is an English word in the song with the same title in the musical film Mary Poppins. The song was written by the Sherman Brothers, and sung by Julie Andrews and Dick van Dyke. Since Mary Poppins was a period piece set in 1910, period sounding songs were wanted. Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious sounds like contemporary music hall songs "Boiled Beef and Carrots" and "Any Old Iron". Based on the word's usage in song form, it can be inferred that it's an adjective, that was created from the words "superb".

8. Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturipukakapikimaungahoronukupokaiwhenuakitanatahu is the Māori name for a hill, 305 metres (1,000 ft) high, close to Porangahau, south of Waipukurau in southern Hawke's Bay, New Zealand. The name is often shortened to Taumata by the locals for ease of conversation. The New Zealand Geographic Placenames Database, maintained by Land Information New Zealand, records the name as "Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateapokaiwhenuakitanatahu", a hill at 40.3480 S, 176.5321 E.^[1] It has gained a measure of fame as one of the longest place-names in the world. It is featured in a Mountain Dew jingle and part of it is also in the 1979 single "Lone Ranger" by British band Quantum Jump. It is the subject of a 1960 song by the New Zealand balladeer Peter Cape^[2], as well as Hardcore DJ's Darkraver and DJ Vince in the song 'Thunderground'.

9. Lake Chaubunagungamaug (pronounced /tʃəˌbʌnəˈɡʌŋɡəmɑːɡ/), also known as "Webster Lake", is a lake in the town of Webster, Massachusetts, United States. It is located near the Connecticut border and has a surface area of 1,442 acres (5.83 km²). Lake Chargoggagoggmanchauggagoggchaubunagungamaugg (/ˌleɪk tʃəˈɡɑːɡəɡɑːɡ ˌmænˈtʃɑːɡəɡɑːɡ tʃəˌbʌnəˈɡʌŋɡəmɑːɡ/[1][2]), a 45-letter alternative name for this body of water, is often cited as the longest place name in the United States and one of the longest in the world. Today, "Webster Lake" may be the name most used, but some (including many residents of Webster), take pride in reeling off the longer versions.

10. Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch (short form Llanfairpwllgwyngyll), also spelled Llanfair Pwllgwyngyll and commonly known as Llanfair PG or Llanfairpwll, is a village and community on the island of Anglesey in Wales, situated on the Menai Strait next to the Britannia Bridge and across the strait from Bangor. According to the 2001 census, the population of the community is 3,040,^[1] 76% of whom speak Welsh fluently; the highest percentage of speakers is in the 10–14 age group, where 97.1% are able to speak Welsh.^{[citation needed]} It is the fifth largest settlement on the island by population. Visitors stop at the railway station to be photographed next to the station sign, visit the nearby Visitors' Centre, or have 'passports' stamped at a local shop. Another tourist attraction is the nearby Marquess of Anglesey's Column, which at a height of 27 metres offers views over Anglesey and the Menai Strait. Designed by Thomas Harrison, the monument celebrates the heroism of Henry Paget, 1st Marquess of Anglesey at the Battle of Waterloo.

11. Muckanaghederdauhaulia (Irish: Muiceanach idir Dhá Sháile) is a village in County Galway, Ireland. The full translation of the Irish is pig-marsh between two seas — or briny inlets, in this instance.

It is a small protrusion of land into Camus Bay (Cuan Chamais) in the Connemara Gaeltacht directly west of Cinn Mhara on the R336 between Camus and An Cheathrú Rua, in County Galway, Ireland. Muckanaghederdauhaulia is believed to be the longest place name in Ireland.

Muckanaghederdauhaulia is one of the ports visited and painted by Bartlebooth in Life: A User's Manual by Georges Perec. It is believed to be the longest port name in the world. In the novel, Bartlebooth also visits U, believed to the shortest port name (in the Caroline Islands).

12. Euouae is a mnemonic which was used in medieval music to denote the sequence of tones in the "seculorum Amen" passage of the lesser doxology, Gloria Patri. In plainchant sources, the differentia, that is, the melodic formula to be sung at the end of every line of chanted psalmody, would be written over either the letters EUOUAE, or merely E----E, representing the first and last vowel of "seculorum Amen."

According to the Guinness Book of World Records, it is the longest word in the English language which is made up of nothing but vowels; it is also the English word with the most consecutive vowels. It is a useful word for players of Scrabble: though it is made up of six one-point letters, and thus not a high-scoring word, it allows a player to clear a rack of excess vowels without missing a turn to change letters.

13. An isogram (also known as a "nonpattern word") is a logological term for a word or phrase without a repeating letter. It is also used by some to mean a word or phrase in which each letter appears the same number of times, not necessarily just once.

In the book Language on Vacation: An Olio of Orthographical Oddities, Dmitri Borgmann tries to find the longest isogrammic word. The longest one he found was "Dermatoglyphics" at 15 letters. He coins several longer hypothetical words, such as "thumbscrew-japingly" (18 letters, defined as "as if mocking a thumbscrew") and, with the "uttermost limit in the way of verbal creativeness", "pubvexingfjord-schmaltzy" (23 letters, defined as "as if in the manner of the extreme sentimentalism generated in some individuals by the sight of a majestic fjord, which sentimentalism is annoying to the clientele of an English inn").

In the book Making the Alphabet Dance, Ross Eckler reports the word "subdermatoglyphic" (17 letters) can be found in Lowell Goldmith's article Chaos: To See a World in a Grain of Sand and a Heaven in a Wild Flower. He also found the name "Melvin Schwarzkopf" (17 letters), a man living in Alton, Illinois, and proposed the name "Emily Jung Schwartzkopf" (21 letters). In an elaborate story, Eckler talked about a group of scientists who name the unavoidable urge to speak in pangrams the "Hjelmqvist-Gryb-Zock-Pfund-Wax syndrome".

14. Agglutination is the morphological process of adding affixes to the base of a word. Languages that use agglutination widely are called agglutinative languages. These languages are often contrasted with fusional languages and isolating languages. However, both fusional and isolating languages may use agglutination in the most-often-used constructs, and use agglutination heavily in certain contexts, such as word derivation. This is the case in English, which is an isolating language, but has an agglutinated plural marker -(e)s and derived words such as shame·less·ness.

Agglutinative suffixes are often inserted irrespective of syllabic boundaries, for example, by adding a consonant to the syllable coda as in English tie — ties. Native speakers of strongly agglutinating languages untrained in linguistics cannot usually break down an agglutinated word into its components. Agglutinative languages also have large inventories of enclitics, too, which can be and are separated from the word root by native speakers in daily usage.

The longest German isogram is "Heizölrückstoßabdämpfung" (heating oil recoil dampening) with 24 letters, closely followed by "Boxkampfjuryschützlinge" (box fight jury fosterlings) and "Zwölftonmusikbücherjagd" (twelve-tone music book chase) with 23 letters.

15. One quattuorquinquagintaquadringentillion (represented by a 1 with 1365 zeroes after it), is the natural number between a tresquinquagintaquadringentillion (a 1 with 1362 zeroes after it) and preceding a quinquaquinquagintaquadringentillion (a 1 with 1368 zeroes after it).

Quattuorquinquagintaquadringentillion is recognized as the natural number with the longest name (without use of hyphenatation), and it contains 37 letters.

16.

Deinstitutionalisation (from de-institution-alisation) is the process of replacing long-stay mental institutions with less isolated community mental health services for those diagnosed with mental disorder or developmental disability.

17. AND NOW FOR MY OWN OFFERING, it's my legacy, you see: ALTERNITY: The state or place, to which we retreat each time we utter a wish about ourselves, be it to change our location, situation or happenstance in life, for example merely saying "I wish it was the weekend!" transports you to a time and place you'd rather be - and THAT, my friends, is alternity! YOU READ IT HERE, FIRST!

18. (UPDATED 2009-08-16!) Dave-enition: when you provide a new interpretation (meaningless) for ordinary words in order to define your presence in a specific (and present, but ultimately unclear moment), in other words, by substituting accepted word meanings with new explanatory dongles, that is giving the Dave-enition. It is also mandatory to note that while this is...uh....Dave-enition of Dave-enition, we (that's Don and I) are in no way forced to commit to these dongles nor are we bounden by any obligations. Ergo, without commitment and obligation, Dave-enition is also a synonym for 'relationship'.

Dave-enitions are often presented without the word they are re-defining, and appear almost completely unZenlike as stand-alone questions or statements. It is only once their corresponding word is revealed that Dave-enitions confide their brilliance - for example, the Dave-enition 'lachrymal proclamation with added maternal endearment' is at first utter nonsense, until its coadunation is revealed as 'Chrysanthemum'. The link, tenuous rather than missing, is often an auditory one. Visual coadunations are rare, and therefore bloody good!

(c) Dave Luis & Don Wildman 2009. All Rights Reserved.